Regulars - Scatty Scott

Scott's a funny one and no mistake. He's not even got the excuse of being particularly old (mid 50's or so). He's managed to get himself on practically every sucker list in the UK and the USA and Canada. As a result, he gets so much mail that he likes to come and collect it from us every morning rather than wait for it to be delivered. He claims that it's cos it takes him all day to sort through his mail sometimes. Whenever he receives a package (about once a fortnight on average) he acts all surprised. "Ooh, I wonder what this can be?!? I don't remember ordering anything!" He'll then open the package then and there as it's usually too large to get in his trolley (Yup, despite being relatively young, he's got a trolley. He's certainly off it. Boom Boom!). He'll then act surprised again at the contents of the package, "I didn't order that!" Yes you did you twat. Don't act all surprised at this rubbish you've bought please, it's embarrassing. It's usually vitamins or tat from betterware style places though. Nothing like some of the more interesting stuff that people have bought by mail order (Definitely a future post or two there).

Scott is also amazed that the companies won't stop mailing him with rubbish because he has written to most of them to ask them to stop. He doesn't realise that as far as they're concerned, he's just proved that he does live there and the mail is getting read. He'll then make it worse by ordering stuff from them occasionally.

When collecting his mail he'll say something along the lines of "Ooh, aren't I lucky. A small amount of mail today." But you just know that he's secretly really disappointed that he's not had enough mail to overload a pack donkey. Conversely, when he does get a truckload, he'll half-arsedly moan about it but you can see the twinkle in his eye as he ponders a whole morning of going through junkmail. Obviously, Bargain Hunt and Cash in the Attic aren't stimulating enough for him.

We have done our best to help him by pointing him in the direction of the mail preference service and telling him to just throw away anything that looks like junkmail and NEVER EVER reply to it. The mail preference service advice was a sort of hit. He signed up and then was flabbergasted that the junkmail didn't stop immediately. We did try to explain that it takes a few months to be really effective and doesn't work for foreign mail. Regrettably, he just can't bring himself to bin mail unopened and once he's opened it, he can't not reply to it or order rubbish.

Scott has something else which bugs the fuck out of me. He's perfectly healthy, he seems fairly fit, he's not old,he can walk perfectly well (he goes on the weekly walks around the village) but he has an invalid carriage. WHY?!?!?! I bloody well hate the things. It's my opinion that about 90% of the people that have them are either too lazy or too fat. Of the remaining 10%, most of them are too blind/stupid/deaf/mad or otherwise dangerous to use them. Bring back wheelchairs that have to be pushed by a competent person or, failing that, euthanasia. You know it makes sense.

Scotts' final foible is the speed that he seems to go through bus timetables. We have a small stock in the Post Office to give out. It's no exaggeration to say that he's had about 25% of all the ones we've given out. He goes through at least one a week. One morning (just the morning, not the whole day mind) he went through three. What does he do? Eat them? Why he can't just keep one in his wallet all the time, I don't know. They're not supposed to be disposable you know. Twat.