I crack me up sometimes, I really do. Just a moment ago, a young and attractive lady needed to post a letter to Spain. It just so happened to cost 69p. As the stamp was all she needed, I said to her:
"69 please."
Hahahaha.
Boy, was the smile wiped off my face when she vaulted over the counter, whipped my trousers off, had a good nosh while shoving her minge in my face.*
It does however bring me to the other things that are said on a regular basis that sound a bit rude. Even though I don't deliberately say things which are ruder than they need to be.** Some of these phrases are:
"Put it in all the way."
"It's too big for that, try the other hole."
"I'll take it in the oher end."
"That's a large package."
"Push it in harder."
"Suck my balls."***
Sometimes it's like Carry On Postman in here. Snurk-snurk.
* Not even remotely true.
** Also not true
*** Actually true. Used when the staff ask for something above and beyond the norm, ie. holiday, time off ill, wages etc.
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Monday, 18 February 2008
Regulars - Mr Dazed and Confused
Mr D and C is yet another of our older customers. He manages to take being a dithery old twat who hasn't got a clue to new levels without having any form of dementia or anything. He's just naturally fuckwitted.
Case in point, a while ago we had a petition regarding the desicion to close the Post Office card account. This is the account that coffin dodgers, dole dossers and benefit cheats get their money paid into*. Anyhoo, we were asking the oldies if they'd sign it. Mr D and C did. However, he got the wrong end of the stick and thought it was a petition about closing my Post Office. We didn't realise this until a little bit later when we saw that he was waiting outside, telling people to sign the petition otherwise the Post Office would be closed. I went out and put him straight.
"It's not the Post Office that's closing, it's the account that your pension is paid into."
"I see."
"Could you stop telling people that this Post Office is closing then?"
"Yes."
Ten minutes later, a customer asked to sign the petition because the old bloke outside had told him that we were closing down. Another trip outside and another friendly word later.
"I see."
"Are you sure? It's the pension account you have that might be closed. NOT the Post Office."
"I see."
I think you can probably see where this is going. Doddery old twat. After another chat 20 minutes later I decided to give it up as a bad job. We got a shit load of signatures for that petition. It might even have guilt tripped a few people into using the Post Office when they might not otherwise have done. It's a very irritating way of possible getting a few extra sales though.
Throughout the whole proceedings (and indeed, throughout his whole life) Mr D and C had a fairly vacant looking grin on his face. It pretty eloquently says "I don't really understand what's going on but I'm quite happy about it."
He also has a really annoying habit of trying to get me to say "I'm free" a la John Inman. So far it hasn't worked. He attempts it every fucking time he comes to the counter. Still, it's probably a fresh joke every time to him. I don't mind engaging in a bit of repetitive banter with some of my customers but there are limits
* In the interest of fairness and balance and that, not all people who use the card account fall into the catergories listed. One or two of them don't.
Case in point, a while ago we had a petition regarding the desicion to close the Post Office card account. This is the account that coffin dodgers, dole dossers and benefit cheats get their money paid into*. Anyhoo, we were asking the oldies if they'd sign it. Mr D and C did. However, he got the wrong end of the stick and thought it was a petition about closing my Post Office. We didn't realise this until a little bit later when we saw that he was waiting outside, telling people to sign the petition otherwise the Post Office would be closed. I went out and put him straight.
"It's not the Post Office that's closing, it's the account that your pension is paid into."
"I see."
"Could you stop telling people that this Post Office is closing then?"
"Yes."
Ten minutes later, a customer asked to sign the petition because the old bloke outside had told him that we were closing down. Another trip outside and another friendly word later.
"I see."
"Are you sure? It's the pension account you have that might be closed. NOT the Post Office."
"I see."
I think you can probably see where this is going. Doddery old twat. After another chat 20 minutes later I decided to give it up as a bad job. We got a shit load of signatures for that petition. It might even have guilt tripped a few people into using the Post Office when they might not otherwise have done. It's a very irritating way of possible getting a few extra sales though.
Throughout the whole proceedings (and indeed, throughout his whole life) Mr D and C had a fairly vacant looking grin on his face. It pretty eloquently says "I don't really understand what's going on but I'm quite happy about it."
He also has a really annoying habit of trying to get me to say "I'm free" a la John Inman. So far it hasn't worked. He attempts it every fucking time he comes to the counter. Still, it's probably a fresh joke every time to him. I don't mind engaging in a bit of repetitive banter with some of my customers but there are limits
* In the interest of fairness and balance and that, not all people who use the card account fall into the catergories listed. One or two of them don't.
Friday, 8 February 2008
Most "interesting" smell ever.
I had the huge misfortune of serving one of our regulars today. He's always been a bit of a stinker but has clearly taken the sport of being a smelly bugger to olympian levels. He exuded a very strong and very complex aroma. After much wine-ponce type analysis I've finally come up with the best way to describe the stench.
Take 3 pints of fat man sweat.
Add 1 pint of horse sweat.
Add 1 pint of 3 day old piss.
Add an average size dog poo.
Liquidize a well done steak that's been left in a hot and humid place for a month and add that.
Mix well.
Leave to fester for a week.
Place in a bucket and insert head.
And the scariest thing about this? He runs a hotel in a nearby village. I hope his attitude towards the hotel's cleanliness is a bit better that his attitude to personal hygiene. Repeat business must suck.
Take 3 pints of fat man sweat.
Add 1 pint of horse sweat.
Add 1 pint of 3 day old piss.
Add an average size dog poo.
Liquidize a well done steak that's been left in a hot and humid place for a month and add that.
Mix well.
Leave to fester for a week.
Place in a bucket and insert head.
And the scariest thing about this? He runs a hotel in a nearby village. I hope his attitude towards the hotel's cleanliness is a bit better that his attitude to personal hygiene. Repeat business must suck.
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