The Fuck You Bag

When we've stamped up an item of mail for a customer it has to be put into the correct mail sack.

In order to help out the lazy bastards that sort the mail, we have to do a half-arsed pre-sort of the mail. There are four different sacks that we have to file things in. First class packets, second class packets, priority mail and everything else.

How exactly that makes much of a difference to the amount of sorting hat the mail centre monkeys have to beats me but there you go. No doubt some manager came up with the idea in order to pay lip service to cost savings and also to help justify his existence.

Anyway, we have a fifth bag. It's not as well-used as the other mail bags but it is very important.

It's the Fuck You Bag.

It's sole purpose is to have mail in that we want to delay. When we have our last collection of mail in the afternoon, we're supposed to make sure that everything we've been handed goes off so it gets to it's destination asap. For some inexplicable reason, the Fuck You Bag seems to hide until just a little too late so it has to go out the next day.

There are a few crimes that you can commit and have your mail put in the Fuck You Bag.

The first is being one of several annoying customers. There are a few regulars who's mail generally goes in the Fuck You Bag. Not all of their mail ends up in the Fuck You Bag, even the most fuck-witted would notice that it never arrives next day. Nope, we only select whatever looks the most important and hold that back.

The next crime is being too over eager for your mail to get into today's collection. If you come in at 9:30 in the morning and ask me whether you've missed the last mail collection already, then I'm afraid even though you're on time, you mail is going in the Fuck You Bag. I mean, please exercise some common sense here. If we're open until 5:30 then (despite the general shitness of Royal Mail) it's fairly likely that there's gonna be a later collection than 9:30. Sadly, far too many people ask this question so over to you Fuck You Bag.

The final thing that's gonna get your mail delayed is the most annoying (from my point of view). If you come in here and tell me that your item of mail must get there the next day or else without fail and then you decided that special delivery (our guaranteed next day service) is too expensive and then you can guess where your item of mail is going. Yup, the Fuck You Bag. It may seem petty but I'm trying to teach you a lesson. If you want something there the next day, then pay for the right service. Tight arses.