I know I'm a Genius, But.....

Some customers seem to expect an inordinate amount of knowledge from us. Most of which involves forecasting the future.

The most common request I get for my Nostradamus impression are from idiots who fret too much about changing currency.

It's usually the old folk who know that they're off on holiday in a month or two. They'll come in and ask the exchange rate for whatever currency they're after. Whatever we tell them will usually elicit a response along the lines of "Well, that's not very good is it? Do you think the rate is going to get better in a few weeks?"

Frankly, if I could predict the foreign exchange rates weeks in advance do you think I'd be working in a Post Office? No, of course I wouldn't. I'd have retired to my own desert island and spend my days snorting coke off some supermodel's tits while my army of solid gold robot monkey butlers attended to my every other whim that didn't involve sexual acts (well, except for a little light robot monkey butler buggery but you can't help that really).

For some reason, the kind of person who will ask me to predict the future in this way is exactly the kind of person who can't accept that I might not know. Even when I explain to them in very simple language that it's nigh on impossible for me to know. Obviously, this isn't good enough for some of them but, fuck 'em. Twats.


Car tax is often a source of stupidity from customers too. This is an actual conversation I had with a customer:

Customer:"How much will it cost to tax my car for a year?"

Me:"I can't say unless I know the age of the car, it's engine size and it's emissions."

Customer:"It's a ford."


Another main instance of customers expecting me to read minds or just generally being omniscient is when they phone up and the first thing they say is:

"You've got a parcel there for me. What is it?"

Where to start with this multi-layered twattery? Firstly, you've not even told me your address so it's kind of impossible to locate your parcel. Secondly, most parcels tend to have some sort of wrapping which is generally opaque which prevents me from seeing what's in them. Why don't you just get your lazy fat arse off the fucking sofa and stop ordering shit from QVC and whatnot then you might be able to keep track of all of the shiny things what the telly told you to buy that you neither need or can afford. Then you might stop being so poor. Just a suggestion.


Finally comes another stultifyingly stupid thing which people say far too often.

"I've got to send X item. How much will it cost?"

When I ask them how much it weighs or, even where it's going (often people will entirely forget to mention that it's going to another country and then be totally flabbergasted that the price quoted for inland second class is not accurate) it's actually quite rare that they'll have a clue. When I point out that this makes working out a price impossible I'm often told that I'm not doing my job properly.

So, to sum up, customers are fucking stupid and expect far too much of even someone as intelligent and good looking as I am.

Twats.