Shut up or piss off. In fact, just piss off.

It may come as a surprise to some of our customers but I really couldn't give a wet rubbery fuck about their personal lives. Obviously, I'm not clear enough in explaining this to them and they persist in telling me in far too much detail every little thought that's rattling around their heads.

This is a business, not a coffee morning/get together for a nice little chat with the only person who'll listen to you (ie. me) because I've got to pretend to be friendly otherwise customers won't come back and you're too smelly/mad/boring/old/dead/stupid/a cunt (delete as appropriate) to have any friends.

I don't mind chatting a bit to at least appear like I give a shit while I'm processing a transaction but as soon as I'm done then you can get to fuck. Under no circumstances at all are you to carry on talking to me once I'm finished. My interest in you has now gone as I'm unlikely to extract any more cash from your wallet.

There are five particuarly bad customers for this heinous crime. Some of them I've already mentioned (the forgetful priest and Robert) but there's more.

By far the worst offender is Peg-Leg Pete.

He just won't take the hint that we don't care.

Yawning, looking at my watch, texting people, feigning a stroke. Doesn't work.

The only reason he's not been told to take his dull stories, shove 'em up his arse and fuck off is because he's rich. He's great for flogging our financial products to and these are the big earners for me.

I don't want to hear about him whinge about his bad leg.

I don't want to hear him moan about how expensive care for his wife is when I know how loaded he is.

I don't want to know about the crushing lonliness of living alone while his wife is in a care home.

I really don't want to hear about how many times his wife used to piss her pants and how he'd clean it up.

Really, all I want to hear from him is:

"Hello, I'd like such and such a thing today"

"Thank-you. I'd like to purchase/invest in one of your big earning products please now you mention it"

"Thank-you. Goodbye"

It's not that hard is it?

Going on and on and on about shite that I really don't wanna hear brings me down, annoys my customers and reduces the amount of business I can do cos you're holding me up. Plus I get labelled the villan when I get bored of it all and tell you to fuck off. Where's the justice eh?